When the J D Vance childless cat ladies diatribe began to hit the airwaves this time around, I have to admit I was underwhelmed.
I’ve recently moved out of the home I bought to raise my children in. With a pile of boxes still littering my gaze, the last thing I had the bandwidth to unpack was someone else’s idiotic, uninformed behavior.
But there was another, more palpable reason for my initial “MEH” reaction. A decade and counting into my tenure as a childless IVF survivor, disparaging perceptions of people without children, however any of us came to not have them, are nothing new to me. Whether they are delivered as a bombastic rant, or much more likely via slick micro-aggressions justified by social paradigms, their messages stem from the same core beliefs that people without children are less than.
My initial train of though went something like this:
“So there’s a middle aged guy who thinks that I and people like me (who account for about 20% of our adult human population by the way), are ‘less than’ selfish failures who are anti family and take way more societally than we give so the logical course of action is to punish us. And that I ‘chose’ to be in this position since choosing for your children to not be born in the midst of multiple fertility treatments is so totally a thing. Oh and by the way our lack of parented status by default makes us incompetent, and of course we have no stake in the future and blahbity blahbity blah. Ok, I get that he’s a VP candidate, but generally speaking…… like,
Where’s the news???”
I was of course reasonably repulsed and concerned by the soundbites I heard. But surprised? Nope. My hard won childless not by choice callouses sang out in chorus - “Been there, done that!”
There were some heartening things to witness as I began to watch the slew of media coverage. I felt relief over seeing so many off-put by Mr Vance’s attempts to verbally slaughter 20% of our human population.
I sat in front of my tv, mouth agape, as I witnessed for the first time ever childless people take the floor. As numerous panel members identified themselves as childless, and maybe shared some personal aspect of their story, other panel members said very little and did their best to be thoughtful and careful with their words. “Well I’ll be damned” I thought. I’d been waiting ten plus years for this, and made sure to drink it all in.
And, I finally was able to find some surprise. That fact that people were surprised and even shocked by Mr. Vance’s words surprised me. “Don’t people know that this is what childless people deal with to one degree or another throughout our lives?” I pondered.
Perhaps people were reacting to the careless and harsh manner in which Mr Vance expressed himself. But I didn’t sense people making the connection that Mr Vance’s tirades are not just crazy, existing in a bubble behavior. In many ways, his views are simply a bloated version of how many in our culture subconsciously view people without children.
The core belief that we are less than plays out daily in subtler ways. The abundance of “Momala” narratives is a perfect illustration. Far from content with someone not having birthed children for whatever reason, we flit around for other ways to validate their existence. And we expect childless people to fully participate in this needless - and endless - proving of our worth and value.
From the start of her Vice Presidential career, Ms. Harris’s brand has done everything it can to craft a narrative that beelines towards the maternal and away from any “childless” associations. In other words, her PR team has done everything it can so that she doesn’t appear to be someone like me.
And it seems, from one conversation I had, this had the intended affect. I spoke with someone recently enveloped in their own pronatalist struggle to justify Kamala’s general okayness. The achievements on her lengthy and impressive resume were barely mentioned. “Well, she may not have children of her own, but she’s really done some great things with her step children.”
Ah yes. The “but”. I know it all too well being a childless woman in this world. In my on the ground experience, it plays out like this:
One of the many ways I’ll respond to the ever invasive and alienating “Do you have kids” question is to simply say “No.”
I don’t believe, nor have I ever, that I have to justify, compensate for, explain or validate myself beyond that should I choose not to.
You’d be shocked the degree to which withholding this can derail the so called “conversation”.
Oh, I could very easily fall in line with presenting the compensatory qualifiers expected of me as a childless person in our culture: “No, but I’ve got a fantastic nephew I’m close with.” Or “No, but I’m an avid gardener”.
Pets are a common way to sandbag such an interaction otherwise sure to flood with bafflement and disconnection (though clearly they are not enough for J D Vance). Heck, declaring “No, but I’ve got a pet amoeba I assure you I tend to most faithfully” would make for a less awkward interaction.
But here’s my truth - even if I did have pets, I’d seriously consider withholding it from such inquisitions. I refuse to provide fodder to those insistent on fishing around for what on earth could possibly be my worth and purpose as a human being.
It was even reported that Kamala’s husband’s ex wife spoke out in her “defense”. Um, defense of what, exactly? Ms. Harris’s family members of course have the right to speak up and clarify their situation. And I’m all in for the role of step mother being valued and elevated to the status it has long deserved. But the greater point here? No one should have to defend not having children for whatever reason ever. Sadly, in the culture we live in this is not the case.
And it also begs the question: Given the 13 ring circus this whole thing already was, how might things have unfolded if Ms. Harris were not a step mother? What would the conversation have looked like if that facet to her life did not exist? My childless, step motherless self has to wonder.
Is participating in a conversation structure that demands childless people testify to their okayness on par with J D Vance pronatalist terror? Not really. But they both stem from the same place - the core belief that childless folks are less than. Because every time we make a person without children explain, defend, justify, prove or compensate, we are further cementing the messages that people without children are not whole, that we don’t fit in, and that we’re just not worthy. Very J. D Vance like, isn’t it?
There are many other all too common behaviors, based on the same core beliefs that drove J D Vance’s rants, that occur daily:
When someone takes more than their fair share of the conversation space, with a friend, co-worker or otherwise, thinking what they have to say is more important because they are a parent, J D Vance type beliefs are at work.
In the human conversation, whenever childless people are baselessly out elbowed, talked down to, subjected to parent splaining and spoken to as though we are somehow unreliable witnesses to our own experience, the core belief that we are not real adults is alive and kicking.
When you dismiss, don’t take an interest in, or even belittle childless grief by thinking it exists because we’ve somehow missed the talked about round the clock fact that parenting is hard, or that people who haven’t given birth could not possibly feel emotions to the degree a parent does, you are operating from the standpoint we are less than.
Anytime anyone uses their parented status as a “good person” credential, or to appear more “human”,
When anyone claims or even infers that their parenthood or someone else’s makes someone more qualified for a job - ANY job - they are living the core belief that childless folks are less than.
When someone claims to “understand because I’m a parent/I have a daughter, son etc.” in response to news stories involving child tragedies, when you find yourself believing that the feelings childless folks have over these horrors are inferior, or don’t exist at all,
Whenever a childless co worker is expected to fill in on the holidays or pick up other slack at work because they don’t have children,
When a workplace has no concern to mitigate triggers and establish an emotionally safe and respectful space for childless people, and has no policies in place to combat childless workplace harassment and alienation,
Every time anyone cuts into a conversation space with “Do you have kids?”, and maybe even refuses to speak to someone further when they simply answer “no”,
Every time someone shoves a picture of their children or grandchildren in someone’s face they didn’t ask for with zero regard for how it might make that person feel, with zero regard for what that person might have gone, or worse, be going through in terms of early child and parenthood loss,
Whenever anyone bullies the conversation onto the topic of parenthood instead of properly attuning to and being a team player in the conversation that’s already happening,
Whenever someone makes presumptions, whether internal or spoken, about “all of the free time” childless folks supposedly have, and how “easy” our lives supposedly are,
When we are left out of any advertisement or article surrounding the issue of aging,
When pharmaceutical commercials for drugs that combat life threatening illness portray time with grandchildren as the sole purpose to go on,
Anytime someone tells a widow or widower “at least you didn’t have kids”,
Anytime someone says “if it weren’t for my kids, I’d kill myself” (Really? Thanks!!),
When someone finds themself thinking, or even worse saying that we don’t understand children because we don’t have our own, ignoring the fact we are teachers and medical professionals and aunts and uncles and therapists, among many other great things,
Anytime anyone participates in the “blame the victim” game, implying or thinking that we must deserve anything bad we get, that we must have done something bad in a past life, it’s our fault because we should have wanted children, or should have had them even though we didn’t want them, adopted, tried harder, done fertility treatments, stopped fertility treatments sooner, tried acupuncture (oh believe me I did!), eaten pineapple, stood on my head, made an appointment with this doctor, let it go, ignore my fertility crisis and just live the life I have, get a cat (only to then get denigrated by public figures anyway..…).
Anytime the news media bills something that impacts everyone, such as inflation, as “tough on families”,
Every time politicians pander to “hard working families” instead of hard working “PEOPLE”,
Every time charities pledge to help “families” and don’t include other life situations in their marketing,
Every time I get a letter from the DNC requesting a donation because I’m told we want to make the future better for “our children and grandchildren” instead of “future generations”,
When people don’t realize there really is such a thing as being passionate about something and contributing from the goodness of your heart and that not everyone needs “skin in the game”, or something selfishly related to themselves, to have a stake and care deeply about the future of our world and planet,
When people associate environmentalism with being a parent,
Any time any space - the workplace, family systems, government, company policy, friendships, the human conversation and media outlets just to name a few, ignores the needs of, does not acknowledge and furthermore does not take a level of respectful interest in childless people and a bit of time to listen to and include our lived experiences, refusing to give us a seat at the table……
These are just a few examples of how the core belief that those of us without children are less than permeates our society and daily life. Constantly.
There is a doubled edged sword out in the world. The experiences of both parenthood and non parenthood are deeply impactful and formative. And yet, we are all so so much more. Both factions also bring infinite skill sets, wisdom, qualities, qualifications and credentials to the table that are independent of our lived experiences surrounding parenthood.
That said, our knee jerk perceptions of people without children need to change. Because while most are, thankfully, disgusted by Mr Vance’s words, the lexicon of attributes popping up in our minds in response to childlessness is hardly flattering.
Not for me though. I noticed that my gut reaction to the notion of our country being run by “a bunch of childless cat ladies” was a positive one.
“GOOD. WE SHOULD BE SO FORTUNATE!” I said out loud in response.
Every group on earth has their bad apples of course. And people without children are hardly a monolith. But based on my decade plus and counting of close and consistent associations with childless people, I associate childlessness with these qualities:
Heroic survival. Kindness. Resourcefulness. Loyalty. Perseverance. Service. Compassion. Concern for the human race. Perspective. Innovation. Morality. Resilience.
J.D. Vance’s words are providing all of us a mirror opportunity here. It’s time to start to unpack our unconscious biases towards all people without children.
This is so good. Like you, I have never felt I needed to qualify my "No" answer to the "do you have kids?" question. In fact, quite the contrary - they only get to hear my story if I think they deserve it, might learn from it, would understand or show some compassion.
I too have hated the way they've found it necessary to humanise Kamala by making her the much-loved stepmother. She doesn't need it. But it seems the general populace do! NZ's first elected woman Prime Minister was Not Kidding, and cared more about the future and about children in poverty than almost any of the parents who had filled the role before her, and since (with the exception of our third female PM, Jacinda).
Also, This. "Heroic survival. Kindness. Resourcefulness. Loyalty. Perseverance. Service. Compassion. Concern for the human race. Perspective. Innovation. Morality. Resilience." Brava!